Trains of thoughts derailing through my head, all in disarray.
There's this dull ache in my heart, which I try my best to suppress everyday.
Sometimes I'm pretty successful at it.
Sometimes I let it creep up to me too easily.

It's times like this I wish I could talk to you, tell you everything.
But I'm scared to burden you with my problems, which to you might be "others' problems".
I'm scared I'll pressurize you, I'm scared to find out we're no longer what I thought we were.
I say "bb" with an exclamation mark and a smiley face when you had to rush off. I wanted to make you feel good, but I felt terrible.
It actually felt bad to have to be independent.

Every morning I wake up, wanting to be a better person for myself, for the people that matter.
Maybe they are all selfish reasons afterall, I don't know.

After moving back home, things I pretended not to notice were just painfully obvious.
My mum is always tired, she always lacks sleep. Nothing really makes her eyes smile now.
At times I grew so sick of hearing her lamenting about her work, her life, her husband, her children. But recently I look at her, I see someone who finds living a chore. Someone who is disappointed with everything around her. When was the last time I see that spark in her eyes? All I see is weariness now.

I want to make her happy, but what I do never seem to be enough.
Maybe I just didn't try hard enough. I feel like a lousy daughter.
Friends tell me "follow your heart, do it while you're young", but what about my reality check?

Fancy spending so much on going out with friends.
You took the cab? When your parents walk to the interchange and to work every morning?

You are holding a birthday party? Hello, are you a princess?

Vietnam trip? You even wanted to go diving? Blog-shopping when you already have enough clothes? Buying make-up again?

Why do I feel so decadent?
Cause I could have chosen to spend those money on my family rather than myself.
Maybe a less creaky sofa? A new lamp with three functioning light bulbs rather than one? A better washing machine that doesn't leak? A more powerful shower head that doesn't take 5 mins to get your hair wet? More pocket-money for your sis? A family trip to Genting? Brought them out for seafood or steamboat?

I think that could have made my mum secretly happier.
My dad too, he's so disillusioned and disheartened that he's earning such low wages despite the long hours. I'm proud (or rather more glad) that he is still holding on to it, it was so unstable at first that we all thought he would just quit again. Yet, he didn't(: but he's unhappy too.

Okay i'll save the details and dramatization that its all "breaking" my heart.
No in fact I feel contented with my life now, its not tearfully upsetting but its a dull ache to see my family struggling to get pass every day.

I want them to rely abit on me, but they are all too proud to.

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Okay I'm tired and incoherent now.
Feels good to type like this though, when was the last time I did this?

And a note to myself: Stop being stupid and believing you can make it work out.

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And now my stomach feels damn pain from gorging too much watermelon.

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