I will figure this one out on my own.
title: The means to an end.
I had a truth too many in one night. It was overkill.
Couldn't fathom how I handled them, didn't thought I could, but I did anyway.
The tightness in my heart finally starts to ebb.
Came down with a swollen ankle and persistent fever since yesterday, practically slept my days away. The headache was so terrible at times I just couldn't fall into slumber, so I did my fair share of thinking.
And just few hours ago I had a conversation with my mum, well sort of trying to console her after she quarreled with my sis. Found out issues that shocked me to my core, yet at the same time helpless about- at least this is not the right time to step in.
That brought me to reflect horribly just how little time I have been spending at home, and now that I've moved back over this hols I'm still pretty much the daughter who's self-absorbed in her own life. How could I have missed out the turmoil at home?
Too often do we get preoccupied with ourselves that we can't see past the cause of our parents' worries and concerns. Now when I look back to my rebellious teenage days, I can't bear to imagine the angst my mum had to put up with. And its in my sister that I see shadows of myself, that I truly love my mum even more now that I think I understood her words and actions.
And it was with that edgy mood that I decided to breach the topic with him on MSN.
Funny how we couldn't even meet up and talk like proper adults.
Thankfully I got the answers in the end, after unsuccessful attempts to evade my questions- again.
In fact I saw that coming since when he was overseas. There were so many telltale signs and even blunt insensitive words that I simply chose to ignore.
I just hate to admit to myself he is lesser than what I thought he was.
These are not angry words to demean him. Lesser does not make him unkind or worthless, but lesser multiplies my disappointment a great many folds. I thought he could have handled it in a more mature and sensible manner.
It could have hurt less if he had the balls and initiative to talk about this.
Seriously it's painful having to be the one to do this, aren't I even entitled to a simple closure from you? Why do I have to force words out of you time and again?
Even your reasons sound politically correct to me. "I'm not ready" and "I don't want to rush into it". Trust me, it would have been better off knowing how you genuinely felt. Heaping statements like "You are a nice girl" and repeated "Sorry"s just make me feel more pathetic.
That also leaves me wondering how the game would have played out if I had simply kept mum and continued our game of pretense.
If I sounded angry just now, I hope I could remain that way. At least I didn't have to know my heart could constrict this way. It's hard to breathe.
Okay now that I'm more cool-headed I actually feel liberated!
I'm glad i had the courage to clarify things and though it wasn't the answer I hope to receive, at least he tried to be frank.
No point letting 2 years of friendship sour like this, so lauren lin lihui please be gracious and suck it up.
We still got each other's back if the need arises alright (:
Time to move on, tomorrow will be a better day. (Cause well, its Friday haha)